Suicide divides

The title is odd, I know, but I didn’t know how else to frame it. Someone I know recently committed the act and it has left me conflicted in my feelings. It has left me without understanding. Maybe it is because I’ve never experienced that kind of low. I like to think I’ve felt pain and deep emotions, but have I? Have I experienced the type of emotions that must accompany the contemplation and attempt to commit such an act?

I’ve always felt suicide was a selfish act one commits without thought for those around them. I’ve always felt that the one committing the act was stupid to feel such despair and loneliness. I’ve never understood it and maybe that is simply because I’ve never felt what a person in that place experiences. But, it has always left me with a bit of anger inside when I hear about it because it felt like that person didn’t care enough about everyone else – only themselves and what they were feeling.

Now I have to contend with the fact that the person I thought I knew (albeit not terribly closely) did this. I’m angry, but I’m also frustrated and sad. I’m confused. How could someone I’ve spoken to on numerous occasions and always found to be a pleasant person be capable of such a heinous act? I saw him fairly recently and I would have never guessed he had inner demons. He is the victim and the criminal at once. How do I reconcile this within myself? I grasp to understand how someone so close to my age could be gone so abruptly. I try to make sense of the fact that I have one less person with which to enjoy some of life’s little pleasures.

I’m angry for the hurt he has caused for those around him. I am angry that I will no longer enjoy his company. I’m angry that I can’t yell at him and ask him why. And at the same time, I will sorely miss his humor, his calm assertiveness and his skills on the pitch. I will make the effort to remember him before death, not in it. I will endeavor to be there for his local family. I will look to the positive and seek not answers, but memories of the good times. It is really all I can do because I don’t think I can understand – I can only cope.